On the outside looking in;
God I hate this place.
Don’t wanna be here.
Don’t wanna show my face!
Don’t even wanna tell you this;
you couldn’t feel the same
aint gonna tell you my stuff,
‘Cause my heart is full of shame.
So I stand on the outside edge,
an awkward little drone,
I’ve been here all my life you see;
outside and all alone.
Way back when – when I’s a kid
I’d watch the others play,
packman, kiss-chase, tick-a-nick,
drinking nectar of the day.
I wanna drink that nectar
but my cup is kinda dry,
I watch and want and want and hate
as love and laughter pass me by.
Yep my cup is kinda dusty
thirst gnawing from within,
so when darkness comes a knocking
I sneak him gently in.
That fellah with the cloak and horns
brings toys and games galore
brings warmth and laughs and love with him
and promices of more.
“Fuck life’s nectar my bambino!
– Av a glug on this…
Don’t be bothered with that crap.
Life’s nectar tastes like piss!”
“Av a little snort of this
yer have a chase of that…
you might as well go pin it now
… ’cause there aint no going back!”
“Together we’re alive and free
with you my sweet belong!”
We dance and laugh and sing and play
we feel so right it’s wrong.
“So, you want in my love?
In from the outside edge?
Come settle in my arms sweet child…
I’ll ease your frantic head.”
In his arms I settle,
cosy for a hit.
Two as one in dreams I dance
in the thick of it.
“Did I mention the small matter?”
he whispers holdin’ me warm and tight.
“This friendship it don’t come for free,
my little, lovely mite.”
His first demands are only small,
I can handle that;
few bob here and there is cool,
but greedily he sat…
he sits there hungry, demanding more;
more of what I’ve got.
“I thought you were my friend!” I plead
“of you I won’t get shot!”
His visits are more frequent,
always knocking at my door.
He no longer asks for payment,
he steals it – grabbing more.
He taps his fingers greedily
and chuckles “Pay up kid!”
So I give him all I’ve got to give;
my very will to live.
He takes my heart, my soul, my mind
and when I’m almost done,
he wields his knife, his last demand
and away he steals my son.
The world it crashes, dark descends,
my heart it cracks in two.
Bleeding with the pain of love
I know not what to do!
I’m invited to this fellowship
and I start to feel free.
They talk of hope and honesty
and say it’s ok to be me.
I start to share my shameful tale
and I see I aint alone.
I start to chat and laugh and play,
start feeling all at home.
But he’s always lurking in the shade
licking hungry lips.
He feasts upon my fear and shame
his ultimate of hits.
Fear drove me to the pits of hell,
shame came and turned the key.
Still my addict lies in waiting
I want freedom from addiction.
Freedom just to be me.
Freedom from ol’ satan
So I go to outside edge
set up for you and me,
who want a little more from life
and want to feel free.
All this chat of being;
on the outside looking in,
of inner voids and empty cups
and satan’s lusty gin
Well I give it the ol’ fingers!
Shoot satan in the head.
I aint dancing down that path again
I wanna live instead.
I can still feel feary
bit insecure, and shy.
But that’s ok I tell myself
’cause outside edge know why
They all know where I came from.
With boney claws he reached;
into their lives, their hearts, their souls
and touched a piece of each.
So new horizons streached ‘afore me
I step off fears ledge
and know I’m welcome as I am
here at outside edge.
Stepping out through fear
unknown ideas hatch,
so I can wield the carving knife
and Satan meets his match.
Sonya Hale. 2013